We have all heard stories about “The Thai Massage.” This is a land where men travel to release pressure with the assistance of beautiful young Thai women. I, myself, was overcome with curiosity.
Recently, I traveled to the land of Thai. After landing in Phuket, we made our way to the small hotel, located on the south side of Phuket. I was fascinated by what I saw and was anxious to explore. As we pulled up to our hotel, I noticed a karaoke bar and a Thai massage parlor. This must be one of the many “Thai rub your dick massage parlors” that I had been hearing about.
Either way, I was extremely sore and tired from my long journey. That’s it, I’m getting a massage.
Wow. Who knew? There were no sluts, no sexy Thai ladies, and no lingerie. Only a couple older Thai ladies, built like the Dallas Cowboys linebackers. There was nothing sexy, romantic, or relaxing about that. Although, after being twisted, pulled, stretched, tossed, tenderized, and cracked, I felt so much better.
I want to tell you that massage story so there is a simple understanding that not all Thai massage parlors are brothels. I’m not trying to set any stereotypes.
However…these Thai rub your dick massage parlors do exist.
Two days into my stay, I’m familiarizing myself with my surroundings. I notice the signage for Thai massages. Many of them are very simple and simply say Thai massage and the price.
Yet, I was more interested in the ones that said Thai massage, and were plastered with pictures of beautiful women. The distinct signage is instantly recognizable by every person and they are sprinkled about the city.
On day three, some friends and I made our way to the bar for a few beers. Funny thing how a few beers turns into stumbling home shit-hammered. Being the curious fellow I am, I passed by a Thai rub your dick massage parlor and thought, “What goes on in there? And how?”
This is the moment in my night where my general understanding of how these businesses operate turned into a “what the fuck was I thinking” experience.
Upon your approach, you notice many neon lights that adorn the out wall of the entrance. The vivid lights are unmistakable with any bar and have this radiating ability to draw your attention amongst the still night. As I found myself gravitating to the light like a child to candy, somewhere in my mind I realized this was a bad, bad place…and I felt naughty.
As I walked through the door, I noticed a desk to the right with a man sitting behind it. Directly in front of me was a wall of glass with a door on the left that led to a long hallway. Behind this glass was one of the fucking weirdest things I’ve ever seen in my entire life, and I’ve seen some pretty weird shit. There were four red leather couches, each rising a little higher than the previous as stadium seating in a theater. Each couch sat three to four Thai girls dressed in very revealing clothing and completely covered in makeup.
As we took a seat at the desk, we asked the man about the price of a massage. He told us it was 300 baht for a massage. I attempted to ask him to define a full service massage, but his English was poor and I was drunk.
So, the process of choosing your masseuse began. My friend was handed a laser pointer. Instantly, we realized how this worked. We also realized what scumbags we were transcending into. As he placed the little red dot on the first girl, she shook her head back and forth. Wow. John was just turned down by a Thai rub your dick masseuse. He tried again with girl #2. Again, he was turned down. Third time is a charm. Girl #3 accepted and off into the pussy abyss he went.
My turn. I felt overcome by this awkward feeling of control and embarrassment. Who should I choose? How do I distinguish a good one from a bad one? Is that possible? Finally, why did I get drunk and deem this a good idea?
Fortunately, the first girl accepted and I felt slightly less embarrassed than John. As I began my ascent through the hallway and up the stairs, I didn’t know what to think. I only new this wasn’t right. I’m a bad, bad man.
The room had a TV stand in the corner with a Hindi music station on. There was a small mattress in the corner. Literally, this place was right out of a fucking disgusting horror movie. Awesome. Creepy and disgusting, just the way daddy likes it.
I shed everything except for my underwear. Let me intervene to say, had I not been slightly intoxicated, I may have realized I was in a brothel and lying down on this shitty mattress covered in God knows what in nothing but my underwear was a bad idea. However, that wasn’t the case and I was drunk. So, I lied down and allowed her to begin.
First thing you should know about a massage is that you should be comfortable. I realized I was completely comfortable. Except my penis was lying slightly up and to the left. I gave a little push and down it fell. I simply adjusted myself, closed my eyes, and did not prepare myself for what was about to unfold. Apparently, touching your penis is a sure fire way of letting them know you would like a Thai rub your dick massage.
I felt a hand. It was clinching my penis. She said, “You want sex?” Awkward now. This lady knew virtually no English, except how to offer sex. Like any self-respecting drunk man, I proudly displayed my manhood. Or, I freaked out, pulled my knees in close, and offered spending the rest of the session watching TV. You know, man shit. After five minutes of confusion on this whores face and another girl coming in and asking me what my problem was, she flipped me over and continued with a Thai no rub your dick massage.
I remember this experience was bad and she couldn’t give a massage for shit. However, I don’t remember if it was the exhausting day, alcohol, or awkwardness that put me to sleep. Next thing I remember is being woken up and told to go home. I still don’t know how long I slept or if I even received a full massage. All that I do know is I passed out in a brothel with my wallet and passport and woke up to find it still in my shorts and my penis seemed untampered.
I’ll never forget this experience for as long as I live. I came, I saw…and I did not came.
Thailand. Enough said.
